The tendency for humans in grieving to create illusions to help them deal with loss, writes psychologist Jimmy Swanson.
“Dealing with loss can be like walking a tightrope” ,says our new age youth counsellor
It is a typical, characteristic human tendency to create illusions. People trick themselves all the time in everyday life: they tell themselves they are doing nothing wrong when fare evading on public transport, or speeding on a freeway. They tell themselves their point of view is the correct one in an argument or controversial debate. They tell themselves they deserve better pay, a better job, better working conditions. They convince themselves of anything. These are, though, for the most part, minor self-deceptions. They are of little benefit, but also of little consequence.
They are of no significance. Some illusions, however, are of consequence, of significance. Some illusions have the power to change the person’s reality, for better or for worse. These illusions can make reality easier to deal with; help a grieving person comes to terms with their loss; allow would be estranged family members to reconcile; allow for many things to happen that otherwise would not. Whilst one might think the easiest way to live if facing reality, this is not true. In many cases, it is easier for people to create an illusion than to deal with the truth.
Victoria Hopkins was proud to say her husband was a soldier. She did not mind that he was away for length periods of time. They joy of being recently married and looking after her six month old baby made it the time after her marriage the happiest of her life. This would not last, however. Victoria’s husband tragically died in action. Victoria was now a widow, a single mother – the youngest war widow in Australia’s military history.
Naturally devastated, Victoria needed to find a way to cope with her loss, both for herself and for her young child. To do so, she created an illusion, a perspective on the war that enabled her to rationalise her husband’s death.
The Afghanistan war is a divisive issue, but what can be agreed upon by most people is that the motives for the hostilities are dubious at best and immoral at worst. What Ms Hopkins convinced herself, though, was that her husband was fighting “so that for future generations, the word fear would no longer be in the dictionary.” The illusion she created for herself was that her husband died for a noble cause. By any stretch of the imagination, the true motives for the war cannot be nearly as pure as Ms Hopkins makes out – though that is not the focus of this paper. But through convincing herself, and truly believing that her husband died fighting for such an honourable cause, Victoria can cope far better with her loss. She can be proud of her husband, not ashamed. This illusion is easier to deal with than reality. It allows Victoria to cope.
Admittedly, I have not ever met Victoria, and so perhaps my interpretation of the situation may be flawed. But this is not the only scenario where an illusion allows for greater security and happiness in life. One of my clients, Alex*, grew up believing in an illusion, an illusion that he had no idea as to the true nature of.
Alex loved his father. He took every word his father spoke as gospel – he idolised the man, personifying what his father deemed to be the most important traits in a man. Offered a football scholarship to the University of Virginia, Alex had his future set up for him. Failing high school maths was a mere speed bump – he was going to go to summer school to make it up in time to enrol. But then Alex found out about his father’s affair. And everything changed.
The man Alex had idolised, had tried to be like all through his life – honest, hardworking and well liked – was not the man Alex thought he was. He was a fake, a fraud, a man who was cheating on his wife. Alex was devastated, distraught. This discovery crushed Alex – he realised that he had tried to become a man who turned out to be an adulterer, cheating on Alex’s mother. He could not bear to become the man he had idolised, to do what he wanted him to do.
Alex never went to summer school, nor graduate high school, nor attended college. He has spent the last fifteen years bouncing between jobs, barely making enough to live on. He could not deal with what turned out to be the reality of his upbringing. The illusion was far easier to deal with.
Though it is merely a novel, George Orwell’s 1984 is an accurate description of the ease of living in an illusion. Published in 1949, 1984 presents a then-futuristic society that is extremely totalitarian – the population is completely brainwashed to believe they are happy and believe in the ideals of the controlling party. There are few who do not succumb to the mind tricks.
However, these who have not succumbed to the influence, such as the protagonist, Winston, are in fact worse off in everyday life. They are aware of the nature of their lives; they wish not to accept it, but in the end have no choice in the matter. They are acutely aware of their suffering, whereas those who are conditioned to believe enjoy life as a party member. In addition to this, these non-conformists are inevitably discovered, and tortured as part of their conditioning before they are released again. This novel is an acute reminder of the benefits of living in an illusion.
However, illusions to deal with reality are not always easier to live in, particularly when they start to pervade one’s life. Illusions can often be damaging: encompassing the subject’s reality, alienating friends, family and co-workers who do not labour under the same delusions.
Take another client of mine, John. John was a hard worker – a salesman, and proud of his job. John spent much of his life believing that the key to success was not hard work, nor dedication, nor intelligence. John believed that it was about how well like you are. And even more damaging, John believed that he personally was extremely well liked, and so successful.
It was clear to me that John suffered from depression, brought upon by a variety of factors. He refused medication despite my diagnosis – it had taken serious intervention from his family to convince him to allow himself to be treated by me – because he truly believed in the illusion that he had created that he was successful, and well liked, and so should not be suffering from depression. He gradually deteriorated, and eventually committed suicide. This shows the potential danger that illusions have when they take over one’s life.
Illusions can be extremely beneficial to dealing with loss and grief, but also have dangers when they start to encompass one’s life. If this starts to happen, consult a doctor.
See Illusions and Reality by Jassie Cassidy (Spencer News)