Below are a few responses from students. Following instructions and tips in the Essay-writing Guide (Orange Book) we will rewrite them.
(See Turn to Exercises: “Dragging their feet” from Kelly)
Let’s take the following Year 11 Student examples and see how we can improve
Royal Hatten Hospital News.
The article “why we can hit our kids” published in the Royal Hatten Hospital News expresses concern over parents hitting kids. Written by D Johnson, she further condones the “legal inconsistencies” in the “reasonable chastisement” which permits parents to hit their kids with reason especially when the “law does not define what is reasonable”. Throughout her piece she builds on her credibility and relatability with statistics, subtle attacks, descriptive, emotive language and anecdotes. Put together with a rather enthusiastic yet sensible tone aims to form a rapport with the reader, hence giving her arguments more weight.
She starts the article off with anecdotal evidence of a personal, professional kind using her own experience as a counsellor. Her constant use of descriptive words such as “horrific” and “innocent” sculpts the story but also acts to evoke emotion in the reader and capture their attention. She again uses yet another scenario later in the text, this time directly aimed at and involving the viewer. With the use of exaggeration saying “If I were to hit you”, she not only aims to retain the reader’s attention but positions them to play victim and possibly feel what “second class citizens” would feel. She then using inclusive language subtly points the finger back on the parents questioning the acceptability for hitting children ‘entrusted to her care’. By drawing upon personal experience and scenarios aided by emotive language, exaggeration and a reasonable tone, the reader is position to relate to the author. This adds more strength and credibility to her case and her argument is seen as more persuasive as a result.
Exercise 4
Adopting a reproachful and admonishing tone, Dr Krisanski shames parents on how they have raised their children to “lack…empathy, consideration and thoughtfulness”. The author relies on his own experiences and what he has noticed in his consultations to alarm parents about the increase of teenagers “lack[ing] of resilience and life skills”. The author appeals to parents’ “uncommon” common sense to encourage them to develop children’s socials skills and ensure some “old fashioned family time”. Specifically, Dr Krisanski describes children as “narcissistic” to draw attention to how these teenagers are taking the wrong path and due to this it has led to the lack of specific elements in their development such as “empathy”. Likewise, alliterative phrases such as “flip flops around” and “squash the squabbles” highlight the urgency and importance of children learning “consideration” and patience. The cynical and colloquial references to “god forbid” and “hey presto” also reinforce his depiction of parents as unable to determine what they should do in order for their children to develop good qualities and characteristics, that is indeed vital for their future.
Here’s a few useful tips to transform the above responses:
- try to use the techniques in a more subtle way; do not just use them as a dictionary definition (ie technique spotting and generic statements that are meaningless and can be applied to any author’s text). You must apply them specifically to this author’s views; in this case you must have a good grasp of this author’s views and supporting reasons and their implications. Also work on sentence construction so that the emphasis of the sentence is on purpose/author’s intentions/reasons.(See p. 23/26.) (Avoid sentences that summarise the author’s views. See p. 23.)
- Practice using tone words adverbially for variety and sophistication (See p. 25.)
- Use of quotes: quotes must fit the grammatical construction of sentence.
- Structure: avoid technique listing in a paragraph. Group together the most important techniques. This avoids repetition and allows for a more analytical discussion of purpose. (See pp. 28-30).
Practise rewriting your responses.
SOME TIPS
Improve use of metalanguage/techniques
- Use synonyms for “attack” : discredits, censures, reprimands, rebukes, impugns the motives of (See p. 37)
- Use tone words as adverbs (reproachfully, candidly) (*See p. 25)
- Include appeals … the author prioritises values such as ….
Construct paragraphs and work on structure (avoid technique listing):
Set up the paragraph with big picture: (See pp. 27-28).
- Main contention + critical technique + author’s main appeal/values
- Think about depictions / descriptions of stakeholders
- Include a positioning statement
- Group together similar comments/descriptions/words that have a similar theme or purpose.
In the following passage identify:
- the tone words/ adverbs
- the references to evidence and background
- the use of metalanguage
- references to purpose
Reproachfully, (Censoriously) Dr Krisanski draws upon his professional background as a psychologist and numerous consultations to support his view that the demise of “old fashioned” parenting style is harming children’s social development. Dr Kris decries the modern-style of parenting, that he believes, is leading to a lack of interpersonal skills in children and breeding self-indulgent children. Certainly, parents would be ashamed at the alliterative reference to their “flip flopping” and efforts to “squash the squabbles” which imply that they are irresponsible and careless. They would also be alarmed at the fact that such ineffectual leadership is also likely to disadvantage their teenage children. The reference to children as “narcissistic” and “used to getting their own way with everything” and lacking in life skills suggests that they are poorly equipped to cope with the workplace and are likely to be emotionally disadvantaged. The comparisons between the present and past parenting styles reminds those parents, to logically, foreground what the psychologist identifies as old-fashioned co-operative interpersonal skills that are likely to better prepare teenagers for future roles.
You can improve your standard by working through the Series of Lessons and the Turn to Exercises based on the Orange Workbook (the essay-writing guide)
Return to Orange Workbook : summary page