See Student responses and assessor’s comments: Exercise 14, Boot camps and HECs, Editorial, p. 46
Tatum’s response: Boot camps and HECs
In the editorial, the writer patriotically argues how there is a need for greater social engagement amongst the Australian citizens. The editor goes on to describe the value of being an Australian citizen “is not a right” and that it “carries social obligations”. In addition, the editor uses the example of “voluntary work” to illustrate her viewpoint that this is something every Australian citizen should be enlisting in to help with the “suffering” communities. The use of negative connotations to describe the state of the communities positions the reader to feel pressured to help these communities and also feel a sense of guilt for not being involved in volunteer work. Furthermore the editor argues that the volunteer work should be an extension of our “Australian values” and describes how this can be achieved by creating mandate volunteer boot camps for your people. This appeal to patriotism motivates the reader to feel the importance of volunteer work and how it should become part of Australian culture. Moreover, the editor challenges the government by stating that students should be able to trade their voluntary community service against HECs debts. The government will become pressured to act in a way that helps promote voluntary work because if they fail they will be labelled as people who do not care about “Australian values”. (Tatum)
Assessor comments:
- This paragraph focuses too much on summarising and not enough analysing; Tatum does not refer sufficiently explain the purpose: this is often difficult when editors rely on logic and common sense arguments (See p. 23):
- The paragraph lacks fluency; the sentences are repetitive and Tatum tends to list the techniques without showing how they relate to each other and to the argument; (See p. 22.) It would be better to group together the techniques with a common purpose.)
Briony’s response
In an adamant and personal tone (editor’s are authoritative but rarely personal), the Editorial of “Boot camps and HEC” (2 July 2014) contends that all Australians carry the obligation to carry out volunteer work. The author seeks to target every Australian “no matter their age, gender or status” to be a part of his readership (generic and meaningless statement). His use of inclusive language is then juxtaposed with communities “suffering” as a result of citizens who are “less engaged”. Accordingly, the appeals to the reader’s sense of community which predisposes readers to be ashamed and challenges them to be more responsible and take action as their citizenship “is not a right” but “carries social obligation”. (Good attempt at purpose) Furthermore, the Editorial bookends the piece with another use of inclusive language in repetition. (labelling and listing for its own sake) He states that if “we are to embrace compulsory education” and “compulsory jury duty”, he questions why not include “compulsory national service”. The logical and systematic structure of his sentences diverts his tone into a more reasoned approach. (Too generic: should comment on the purpose of the analogies and how they reinforce the editor’s views and values) Moreover, coupled with his patriotic appeal, readers, especially those who take great pride in Australia, are more inclined to accept the compulsory volunteer work as it is not only beneficial to the country but also “merely an extension of Australian values”.
Assessor comments:
- Briony could show a better “holistic” grasp of the passage: ie. a good grasp of the editor’s main contention and purpose and the key techniques. The paragraph lacks fluency (too much listing) and shape/sophistication (not sufficient appreciation of editor’s most important ideas and most important techniques).
- Notice how Briony draws attention throughout the paragraph to the editor’s use of inclusive language. These comments should be grouped together to set up the paragraph (and then move on to “deep dive” (see p. 30.) Briony should show how this focus on inclusivity (and moral concerns) reinforces the editor’s views and values about social cooperation and community engagement. Because the editor adopts the high moral ground, they also use shaming tactics. Consequently, the emphasis as well on the logical, authoritative aspects as the editor justifies an element of obligation despite our inherent freedoms.
Suggested response: focus on the editor’s purpose and set up the paragraph by identifying the editor’s most important point and their most important technique(s).
Adopting a plausible and upstanding tone, the editor praises Mr Carnegie’s HECs “trade-off” scheme as one that encourages greater social engagement for the good of all Australians, particularly young adults. The fact that community membership requires “social obligations” frames the debate from the perspective of responsibilities and enables the editor to present a case for overlooking an obsession with civil liberties and freedoms. Fair-minded citizens and especially students and parents would recognise the benefits of the ‘trade-off with HECS’ which is one that reinforces obligations to everyone’s mutual benefit. The plausible analogies with jury duty and compulsory voting reinforce the editor’s point that freedom is often curtailed in a society for the common good. Such comparisons enable the editor to defend Mr Carnegie’s proposal whilst seeking to overcome resistant or sceptical attitudes in the community, especially towards the concept of “mandating” volunteer work, which may antagonise civil libertarians. The fact that the editor endorses the “contradictory” concept and the fact that they recognise the time constraints placed upon willing volunteers also serves to strengthen their proposal for a fair, community-oriented system. Finally the editor once again praises all those who would defend such a socially beneficial scheme, which reflects “Australian values”, and shames those as unpatriotic and shirkers who would resist the need for social engagement.
- Return to Exercise 14: Summary notes, Editor
- Back To “Turn to” Summary Page