It is easier to remain happy in a world of illusion than it is to face reality
Good evening parents and students at Spencer Grammar School. (Sally Dalton)
It’s a pleasure to be invited here to talk to you all about the wellbeing and happiness of those we love the most – our growing teenage children. I’m Sally Dalton, a new-age health consultant and I’m happy to say that I was once a student here at Spencer Grammar School, so it is with much pleasure to be here tonight. These days, I specialize in youth, health and wellbeing and I do understand as a parent myself that there are many challenges for us as we try to steer our young adults on the “right” path.
We must constantly grapple with their overflowing emotions and in particular manage their mood swings. One of the questions that often besets me is: to what extent should we protect them from the world of disappointment? Or should we overwhelm them with an overdose of reality? Now that is the question!
And despite what we think, we can be assured that at every turn, there seems to be something that undermines the good work we are doing as parents. Sometimes it is not so far-fetched to think of the outside world as a battleground because of the darts that seem to pierce us in every direction.
Our gun culture starts early these days from the time young ones can move the mouse around a computer screen.
From sticks in the yard, they begin to play their James Bond games, and in a more sinister way, shoot plenty of baddies on the screens in their living rooms. There is never any shortage of video games that are getting increasingly violent in our culture that seems to be obsessed with war.
Unfortunately, it does give them a false sense of security; and it warps their morals. They learn that war can be quick, clean and efficient. They learn that the enemy just gets up and walks again. That it is all a big inoffensive dream.
Well it’s not just a passing fad, as many game controllers will tell us.
I am currently treating two soldiers who have just returned from the Afghanistan war. They left as innocent doe-eyed 20 year olds and came back as traumatized goats.
For them, it started as a childhood addiction. They knew they only had to pull the trigger and they could leave a path of destruction. It was in their power.
They are not alone. For many in Afghanistan , they thought it was just a matter of killing terrorists; as many as they could get. The army controllers told them that by shooting terrorists that were ridding the world of evil. They believed everything the government told them and more. They thought they were killing dictators and traitors: men who speared babies with bayonets.
However, the first hand experience of blood and guts changed them. They knew they were killing innocent people.
One was reprimanded by the army controllers because of his off-duty habits. He was obsessed with his gun and often left it loaded in his room. During a tragic incident, he raided a house and so angry that the men could not be found shot a woman and a child. The jittery sense of being haunted by the mother of the babies strewn across the footpath after a sniper attack will forever torment him. The fantasy of ‘innocent’ violence and a sense of control has left him shattered.
So when parents bring me young boys who are obsessed with guns and action heroes, I see an alarming trend. It is not okay.
Sometimes we just have to turn off the controller.
Let children be children and let them explore the world outside on their own terms.
Listen to them. Go outdoors. Encourage a love of nature. Just sit in the park and feed the ducks for a while.
Since I joined a junior basketball club at the age of 10, I have trained relentlessly, with the aspiration of one day playing in the NBA. Despite my knee injury always flaring up just when I need to perform well, I still like to imagine myself as a star shooting guard for the Oklahoma City Thunder, whilst playing alongside the likes of Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. My friends call me deluded. I believe it’s just a harmless illusion, and something that at least makes me work a bit harder, even though it never seems to be hard enough.
Certain illusions are important in life because they give us hope, and help us to imagine the world as a brighter place. We often rely on illusions to protect us and, to stay out of harm’s way. Certainly, I often use my illusions as a shield, not only to make me train harder at basketball, but often as an excuse to avoid excessive amount of homework. It usually works.
However, sometimes our illusions have a deeper purpose and are important for our peace of mind. Such illusions help us face an often harsh and bleak reality. Sometimes we need to live with the misconception that everything is wonderful, rather than to cope with the devastation of loss or grief. For example, many soldiers have lost their lives fighting in Afghanistan, many families have lost fathers, husbands and sons to war.
The tragedy that engulfed Vicky Hopkins, Australia’s youngest ever war widow, seems a world removed from my own experience. Yet she was only 23 years old when she became a widow – not much older than us. As many of us would do, when losing a valuable partner, she creates a glowing picture of her husband’s vital role in fighting terror. After his death, she clings to the pride of knowing that her son’s father was “amongst the bravest of brave men”. Whilst some may believe that the war was misguided, such people like Vicki need to cling to what many might say was an illusion or even a delusion with regards to the significance of the fight against terror. She firmly believes that her husband was trying to “rid the world of great evil so that one day the word “fear” will be removed from the dictionary.” For Vicky it is necessary to cling to such illusions in order to cope with her loss and grief.
What about other illusions like the American dream with an emphasis on the ability of individuals to rise above life’s disadvantages and achieve success, status and popularity. In some ways, it’s no different to the sense of Australia’s fair-go spirit and the desire to own one’s own home. Such values and dreams can provide the necessary fuel to motivate and inspire generations of young people.
Let me refer to one of my favourite playwrights, Arthur Miller. Many of you may have studied, just as our teenagers do, Death of a Salesman at school. Some of you may have seen the play. Ben provides a beacon to many like Willy Loman who dreams of becoming a self-made man. Ben apparently made his fortune on the diamond mines in Alaska, and shows the possibility of becoming rich and famous.
However, for Willy Loman, the dream becomes a nightmare and at this point one most start to wonder whether it is indeed easier to cling to such fanciful dreams or, what one might call, the delusion of success.
In this regard, Miller depicts a would-be salesman who fails to temper his illusions and pays a heavy price. He constantly pursues his unrealistic dream even though it turns him into an object of ridicule which reaches a climax when he is heartlessly made redundant. Even though it might be easier to try to continue with his delusions, this increasingly becomes his worst option. Miller suggests that the failure to readjust his dreams and expectations with the reality of his work plunges him into despair. Willy is so caught up in the materialistic rat trap that he lives life on higher purchase; he feels “kind of temporary” about himself, as if he has been eaten and discarded: “you can’t eat the orange and throw the peel away – a man is not a piece of fruit.” Eventually, the delusions strip him of his confidence and dignity; they make it so much harder for him to face reality. The dangers of his illusions are dramatically depicted by the “accidental” car crashes and his increasingly suicidal behaviour. Miller suggests that Willy has been deliriously corrupted by the unrealistic promise of “The American Dream” and his reality comes crashing down around him.
So what is the message here for us and our young adults on the threshold of entering a world that may not fit their teenage dreams?
In such cases, it is not only desirable, but much easier for long-term happiness, to make the necessary readjustments, no matter how hard, and try to live life more truthfully. By conceding the truth of one’s situation one may avoid the downfall.
Let us follow Biff’s story, who like my son was chasing his football dream hoping to become the apple of his father’s eye. Biff soon realized through a set of unhappy circumstances, that he was living someone else’s dream. So he tried to face up to the delusion and lead a more simple life. He didn’t want to live with some “false pride”. All he wanted to do is to be “outdoors with [his] shirt off”. But sadly, his father constantly hi-jacked him.
At some stage we must face up to the fact that our dreams are not those of our children’s and that they may be seeking to fulfil some unrealistic outfit that does not fit. We are simply setting them up for failure.
After applying for several sporting scholarship to Universities in America, my son was staggered to receive rejection after rejection. Each letter plunged him into a wave of soul-searching and bitter recriminations. He couldn’t believe they didn’t want him. He went through a very dark period, refusing to make adjustments. Eventually, he did realise that he simply wasn’t good enough, that he was clinging to some hopeless fantasy. He realised that he would have to apply himself to his studies after all. It took a while and lots of patience.
So there comes a time, when we must consider whether the illusions are worth the price. Sometimes we must ask ourselves, if we should cling to our illusions for the price of happiness. Or is it better to sacrifice our illusions for the sake of our wellbeing?