Read over Junie’s typical student response and my comments below
Para 1: Jane Achton, teacher and principal at Merry High Primary School contends that with a big heart and some initiative, we can all take small actions to make a big difference in the world. Ms Achton expresses her experience and professionalism within the education industry, providing her with a sense of credibility and trustworthiness. This makes her judgement appeal to common sense of the readers, reinforcing her views which are heavily based on her own experiences.
Comments: This small excerpt reads like a dictionary definition: Junie needs to be more precise with regards to context and persona: how does the author use her personal/professional views and what is their purpose?
Para 2: Ms Achton uses anecdotal evidence concerning her teaching career as well as her values and principles, providing insight into her solicitous and concerned persona, appealing to a duty of care. The author draws attention to the analogy of the picture book she shares with her students; ‘All the Cats in the World’, referencing how ‘while you can’t save every cat, you can certainly make a difference in the lives of the one, two or the few that you can help’. This intertextual evidence reinforces her view that small steps can make a big difference. This view is also advocated through the use of quotes from well-known people such as Desmond Tutu who says, ‘Do your little bit of good where you are; those little bits of good put together overwhelm the world’. Such quotes act to summaries the writer’s contention while also increasing its credibility as the same viewpoint is shared by well-known, inspirational figures.
Comments: apart from awkward phrasing, the paragraph consists of a list of two pieces of evidence. It would be better to set up the paragraph with more precise comments and purpose.
Para 3: Furthermore, Ms Achton addresses the actions of a retired teacher who used the web to get together a group of energy experts in order to bring cheap energy to some of the poorest people in the world. Statistics are used to impress readers upon the impact of this small group of people that together ‘brought power to 20,000 people, served 508 communities, and saved 190,000 litres of kerosene and 450,000 kilograms of CO2 emissions.’ The author finishes encouragingly with the use of inclusive language to invite members of the public to ‘take small steps together’ as ‘we can make a difference’.
Let’s improve Junie’s response:
We can do this, by setting up a better mix of the big picture/values/purpose and the evidence (specific real-life examples and case studies): what is their point? How do they reinforce the previous examples
Be clear about the author’s dot point argument plan/persuasive agenda:
Now let’s rewrite the two paragraphs such as :
Relying on her professional experience as a teacher and principal at Merry High Primary School, Ms Achton mounts a convincing case for students to take small steps to contribute to the world around them. A common sense approach coupled with high-minded principles enable this author to show that the students can follow in the footsteps of people who have made changes. By citing well known world leaders such as John Lennon and Archbishop Tutu, and by prioritising the principles of care and concern, Ms Achton endears her views to all those parents and students who truly aspire to making the world a better place. (give specific quote and purpose) To this end she relies on a variety of evidence such as picture books, real-life case studies and children’s comments to inspire all those who would be willing to listen to her and to prove that it is possible to influence young children’s attitudes and mindset. (quote word choice and purpose)
Specifically, the picture book presents an accessible story of a “cat leader” who withstands criticism and has the courage to make a difference. This is emotively presented as an analogy or parable to encourage children to follow their intuition and not get sidetracked by another person trying to discourage them. (Quotes and purpose) Likewise, the concerned students are likely to react favourably to the heartening story of the retired teacher who made a significant difference to so many lives in India owing to the small and relatively inexpensive invention. They would be impressed by the startling statistics (quotes and purpose) that draw attention to just how much of a difference simple actions can make. The fact that these stories do make a strong impression is evident from the quotes of Sally Hong who points out that “it makes me feel … as if I have a job to do”.
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