As the former Archbishop of South Africa, Desmond Tutu once said, “a person is a person through other persons.” This statement alludes to the fact that belonging is critical to our sense of self as a person, and, most importantly we define ourselves through the quality of these relationships. Likewise the Age writer, Ross Gittins reminds us, “we are, above all, social animals.” After we have secured our physical survival, the most important thing in each of our lives is our relationships: with friends, neighbours, workmates and, above all, with our families”…
Dr Michael Schluter, an important social thinker and founder of Britain’s Relationships Foundation draws attention to the fundamental importance of relationships in our lives and its role in securing our wellbeing. As Ross Gittins also asks, “take away all our relationships and who would have much reason to keep living?”
Because we are social animals, we gravitate towards groups that become instrumental in shaping our views and values, our attitudes and behaviour. Frequently, we find ourselves conforming to the dominant views and values of the group to such an extent that we may risk losing our individuality. At such times, it may be necessary to challenge the group’s expectations or assert our individuality if we are being too strictly controlled or in danger of conforming too rigidly to the group’s values.
Family relationships are obviously central to an individual’s identity. Parents provide guidance, shape expectations, and nurture talents. Ideally, the expectations, goals are instructive; but this is not always the case. In his poem, Enter without so much knocking”, Bruce Dawe depicts the family as a commercial product , a microcosm of the consumerist society into which we will spend most of our lives. Following the guidelines of our parents almost like traffic signals, we are socialised, learn the rules, respond to the restrictions that will mould us into commercially viable products. Social rules are like traffic signs that are learned by children as a series of imperious commands as they learn to look up to authority. “Walk. Don’t walk. Keep left.” In such an environment, the rules can be confusing, stifling and inhibiting, and overwhelming. “My God (beep) the congestion here just gets (beep)”
For young adults, on the cusp of adulthood, negotiating concepts of freedom and dependence, family and schools are important. Melbourne psychologist, Michael Carr Gregg believes that central to a teenager’s wellbeing is a positive sense of connectedness and identity. Teenagers “have to figure out who they are – get an identity; get themselves good friends; have some kind of emancipation from their mums and dads – some sort of separation. And they have to connect with an educational institution, so they have some kind of vocational direction in life.” Likewise, Peter Sheehan, Principal Melbourne Grammar says that the importance of school is to support students and provide them the chance to develop their talents and become productive members of society. “Part of our role within school is to make young people understand that a productive, useful life as an adult does not require you to be a genius. There are enormous numbers of people in the community who were highly unsuccessful at school who have gone on to do great things in the outside community because they focused on their strengths.
A study of year 8 and 12 school students conducted by the Centre for Adolescent Health at Melbourne’s Royal Children’s Hospital by Professor George Patton (of year 8 and 12 students) found that teenagers are more positive about themselves when they have a good sense of belonging and connection to the school environment. Furthermore, they are less likely to indulge in behaviour that can be destructive and dangerous when schools are prepared to listen to them and respond to their needs. If children feel heard they are likely to feel valued and this may determine whether they treat themselves and their peers with care and respect.
Professor for Adolescent Health, George Patton, said most people in the group “remained connected in a positive way to their peers and their school and to what education was about. They felt that school was a better place to be, that it had something to offer them and that they didn’t have to look elsewhere for something to make them feel good about themselves.
Similarities and differences
We tend to seek out groups and individuals who share our views, values and interests in life. They often share our goals or provide support, relief from troubles, help with problems. Alternatively, some groups reveal our differences. The groups we join and the groups we reject help to define us as individuals.
Perhaps for this reason, the protagonists of the Summer of the 17th Doll, gravitate towards each other because of the desire for an alternative, non-conformist lifestyle – one that seems more glamorous to the stars who play their various roles and share in the illusion of happiness, romance and a different type of fun. Olive, Barney and Roo have survived 17 lay-off seasons because they all seem to enjoy participating in the idealistic romantic dream of fun-filled and glamorous summer seasons. Olive inflates the image of the men as “eagles” and likewise Barney and Roo perpetuate the myth of a romantic summer, which glues the partners together and often appears strange or exclusive to outsiders such as Johnnie.
When we start a new school, or move to a new community, we have to negotiate our place in a new group. We have work out where we fit in. We often gravitate towards those people who are like us. Often they may look like us, but if they don’t they will certainly share our interests – that is they reflect our views and values and our outlook on life. We all need special friends. As Dorothy Rowe states in her book, “Why we Lie”, being “disliked is so frightening”. “We don’t want to be disliked, because being disliked erodes our sense of being a person.” In other words, the desire for acceptance fuels the basis of our self concept. In particular; being disliked leads to feelings of inadequacy.
We learn through differences
As a coloured “white” person born to white parents in South Africa, Sandra Laing experiences a great deal of upheaval in her life. Often when we try to fit into the dominant groups in society we are often forced to confront our differences. Significantly, these differences define us as individuals and have a transformative effect on our identity.
Sandra’s initiation into boarding school is her first real experience of colour relationships and these have a very harmful and humiliating effect on her. This is Sandra’s first experience of difference and she realises that she is conspicuous because of her skin colour. She is shamed, humiliated, isolated and friendless. She is shocked that people are staring at her and that she is an object of ridicule and shame. The teachers deliberately persecute her as part of their agenda to have her expelled. The teacher singles her out for a caning and beats her increasingly harder in order to humiliate and shame her and provoke a reaction.
She soon realises that she will never fit in comfortably into white society because it is so bigoted, arrogant and based on principles of white supremacy. Their racist principles are so “skin-deep” that white people cannot see beyond superficial aspects such as colour and appearance. Shockingly, one of the teachers measures her head size to prove that she cannot possibly be white. The racial committee also performed the pencil test to prove that her hair was too frizzy to be white. Her father, although he loves her, also reflects the bigoted attitude towards Sandra and these principles are so ingrained that opts to reject his daughter because of her choice to remain with Petrus. He takes it as a personal affront that she has betrayed him by choosing a life with Petrus, unable to understand that she is completely uncomfortably in white company.
We learn through conflict and dilemmas
According to the Dalai Lama “our enemy is our guru”. His comment alludes to the fact the conflict need not necessarily be destructive. Often moments of stress or adversity can provide an insight into our characters; the way in which we deal with stress and conflict can also be character building.
Personal change : insights
As age cartoonist Michael Leunig states, “any life lived well enough is nothing but ongoing rehabilitation”. Leunig’s comments refer to the fact that in life, our identity is constantly changing and developing. Today we are different from yesterday and yesterday we are different from two or three weeks ago. Why?
A short story. I used to feel embarrassed when I was in primary school and my mother worked in the canteen. At first I was happy to see her, but I soon changed when my classmates started making fun of her accent. She spoke broken English and was the butt of their jokes. I soon ignored her because I was too scared of what my friends would say. However, in one of my classes at secondary school, one of the teachers told us when we were studying prejudice that racism reflects the person who has said the racist remarks and reveals their ignorance and lack of understanding.
These comments instantly changed me. I developed greater confidence in myself and in my parents and my past. I now looked back on my past with some regret knowing what they suffered. I was annoyed that I was so ashamed, but I was pleased that my mother had always tried to put a good face on her hardship and helped others no matter what people said about her. I found a different sort of love. I realised how much she had sacrificed for the family. I decided then to spend more time listening to her stories of her difficult encounters with people who were often so rude to her.
As a Vietnamese outsider who came to Australia in 1975 via refugee camps in Thailand, 10-year old Ms Naji Chu initially struggled with her identity and her ethnic difference. In response to racist taunts during her tough childhood, Ms Nahji Chu dressed like a “punk”, dyed her hair pink as a sign of her resentment, and stymied her mother’s attempts to open a restaurant. Disowning her cultural roots, Ms Chu sought a new beginning in a new city, Sydney. She has since established a number of Asian tuckshops in both Sydney and Melbourne, and has produced a cookbook and a fashion label. Her interest with food helped to reconcile her with her roots, her culture and with her family. She now recognises the importance of embracing one’s culture; she is proud of her heritage and encourages the next generation of Vietnamese to likewise discover their roots and their culture.
Exclusion can lead to a sense of inferiority but often forces individuals to develop resilience and resourcefulness. Novelist and Age writer, Fiona Scott-Norman states in her book, Don’t peak at high school” from bullied to A-List, that people who are bullied or are unpopular at school are often forced to rely on their own resources and become very resilient. Norman states that people like Penny Wong and Megan Washington who have been threatened at school, often develop amazing life skills and a fierce determination to succeed. This may be because they know how unbearable it is to be lonely and depressed. The moral of their stories is that all conquered their fears and went on to have successful lives. In other words, when the going got tough, they got going. “Being bullied shaped these people,” writes Scott-Norman. “There are advantages to being unpopular at school, because you are forced to fall back on your own resources.” Often when we don’t fit in, we often have to develop life-skills that make us more resilient. Certainly, Sandra developed such skills as she was forced to live a life of hardship with the black community which was exacerbated by her violent husband.
Take the story of Anh Do, the Vietnamese comedian, Happiest Refugees. He writes that his hardest gig as a comedian was also one of his most rewarding. He recalls his friend Dave Grant who used to say that “hard gigs were an opportunity to test your mettle: Learn from them Anh, treat them like a rare gift” (182) He turned adversity into a personal triumph. And that is what he did when he was faced with a room full of 500 RSL soldiers who were commemorating the fallen brothers in World War Two, in Korea and Vietnam. They observe a two-minute silence for the dead soldiers who were killed by Asians during the wars and then Anh Do is expected to entertain them. He performed a five minute comedy gig to complete and utter deafening silence which reinforced his vulnerability. Rather than wallow in despair and nurse his defeat and humiliation, Anh seeks to turn adversity into personal triumph. He relies on his wit, intuition and imagination to recount personal experiences that help to overcome barriers of animosity and a great deal of prejudice among the audience. He has the foresight to concentrate on similarities and proves that he is just an “Aussie kid”. He states that this gig was one of the most rewarding moments of his career and he even got praised. “You’re funny for a slope” is the ultimate compliment. (183)
The power of the group
In some cases, the change in group dynamics is instrumental. Groups often define us, through the physical and psychological power they exert. Often, too, the dynamics and hierarchies of group lead to an awareness of our strengths and weaknesses. The group often plays an instructive role helping us to define ourselves through our aspirations, as well as our limitations. Any chink in the status-quo, often forces group members to recognise uncomfortable truths and make adjustments. As a leader of the canecutters, Roo, humiliatingly, is forced to confront his own (physical) limitations through the rivalry with Johnnie Dowd, whose star is on the rise. Likewise, Roo is forced to confront the humiliating circumstances of a loss of leadership and authority as J O’Dowde becomes the new boy in the cane-cutting gang. Plagued by self doubt, Roo realises that he cannot keep up the fast and furious pace and realises that he cannot he cannot cling to the myth of his superiority. As he grows older, he is not able to keep up the fast and furious pace; he cannot cling to the myth of his superiority and is forced to confront the physical demands of the job on an ageing body. As someone who has built their reputation on his physical skill and prowress as a canecutter, the awareness of his limitations strikes a blow to his pride. His ability to eventually confront his problems and to make adjustments is testimony to his inner strength and eventual resilience. Likewise, another outsider, Pearl, confronts the unrealistic dreams perpetuated by the remaining threesome and challenges Olive to think about the dwindling glamour.
However, group membership can also be stifling; opting for the security of a group often thwarts growth and development, especially if the group stultifies. As Bruce Dawe’s young man in Enter without so much knocking would soon realise, the group smothers his dreams and his yearnings; he becomes the ruthless, money-grabbing ;
Nancy has the courage to confront what she believes is the escapist dream of the foursome which privileges the romantic myth of the lay-off season to the detriment of a mainstream, stable, permanent and settled future. Recognising that the youthful myth of endless summer seasons will inevitably be exposed as just that – a myth — Nancy expects a commitment from Barney, that never comes. As Emma admits, Nance was the “shrewdest” of all of them; “buy and sell Olive any day” (84) Likewise, the confrontation between Johnnie and Roo forces Roo to readjust his standing in the group and his role of leader. It is a humiliating experience for him, but one that prepares him for the adjustments he will need to make.
Contrastingly, Barney and Olive who lack the courage or the desire or the foresight to make the adjustments are impoverished. Barney spends the summer pining for Nancy. The wedding photos of Nancy become a symbol of loss.
Likewise, outsiders often challenge us. Or those who know us intimately may feel secure enough to offer uncomfortable advice. Whilst the two outsiders to the lay-off circle, Pearl and Johnnie, confront the dreams and expectations of Olive and the boys and deflate their dreams, Emma’s pearls of wisdom also challenge their security and undermines their false sense of confidence. Se challenges Roo to confront his growing self doubts. Roo admits they are just a “couple of lousy no-hopers” (75
As Pearl states, their’s was an inflated ideal; Olive “boosted you two up so much before you came, I didn’t know what to expect” (45) Olive pretends to Pearl that they always have a glamorous time down South. Johnnie recognises when he visits the ordinary drab house that it is somewhat incompatible with the dreams of fun-filled summers down South. Likewise, Pearl forces Olive to realise that they are just inhabiting an “ordinary, tattle little room that’s a hell of a lot the worse for wear” (78). She criticises their inability to take a “grown up look” and tells Olive that “there’s not one thing I’ve found here been anythin’ like the stuff you told me.” She tells Olive, “the least you can do is to see what you’ve got as it really is”. Olive admits, “I’m blind to what I want to be”.
The day after the smashing of the dolls, Olive, Roo and Barney must all confront the fact that they are considerably different. Although it seems as if it happens in just one violent confrontation, the signs have been evident from the beginning of the 17th summer. Lawler shows that each of the protagonists must confront the realisation of their fading dreams. He suggests they are simply too old to continue the wonderful myth of an excellent summer lay-off seasons. The coming of age for each exacts change and Lawler suggests the inability to make those changes will exact a personal price. To his credit, Roo confronts the humiliation of his physical shortcomings and humbling his pride, he recognises that he will have to accept less desirable and possibly demeaning work at the paint factory. As he ages, Barney, too is losing his youthful charm and his sexual prowess; he is no longer able to court women with the same charming audacity. The loss of Nancy means that he has lost perhaps his best chance of a secure, settled, and loving partnership, which ushers in regrets and a time for soul-searching. He is forced to deconstruct the lies that have kept aloft his self esteem. Olive is vulnerable to loneliness and sadness as she loses her grasp on the “glamorous” times. The inability to accept Roo’s proposal exposes the myth of her longings.
Remaining true to self
As Jane Austen said, “we have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.” In other words, as we navigate our way in the world and negotiate our relationships, we must do so in a way that enables us to develop as individuals. WE must nurture our own authenticity, our thoughts, our feelings and desires.
However, this is not as easy as it seems. Sometimes, attending to our “better guide” takes an enormous amount of courage. Such a struggle to be ourselves, forces us to make very difficult choices and accept the consequences which often may be extremely devastating for one’s sense of security. Often the struggle to be oneself can lead to enormous sacrifice and come at a huge personal cost.
Contrary to what Montaigne once said, “a wise man never loses anything if he have himself”, Sandra Laing’s story as depicted in the film Skin proves that there is indeed a lot to lose.
Can you imagine the prejudice that a person like Sandra is forced to confront as she struggles to maintain her integrity in a system that despises coloured people? For Sandra Laing, the end of South Africa’s apartheid policy in 1994 comes all too late.
Because of her skin colour she is rejected by the white society in South Africa which believes that her darker skin is contaminating their white environment. Her fight for survival shows that in keeping our own counsel and in trying to be true to ourselves, we often have to make choices and these determine the type of person we will become. We learn that if we are constantly excluded and belittled in a community, this can have devastating consequences for an individual. It can scar a personal for life.
For Sandra, the scorn and humiliation that she suffers are so severe and so personally devastating that she would risk everything to escape it. In the white community, Sandra constantly feels humiliated and belittled. Although she automatically accepted herself as a “white person” before she went to school, she soon becomes the butt of racist innuendos and constant stares. She is made to feel different and constantly isolated and excluded. Whether it be at school, or at a restaurant with her white boyfriend, or someone always staring at her and complaining about her presence. How would you feel?
Just imagine. The teachers are deliberately persecuting you and actively seeking to have you expelled because they believe that your hair is too frizzy? Or your skull is too broad? And the canings get harder and harder because you are shamefully black.
Sexually, she feels degraded and demeaned by her white suitors. Many express bigoted white attitudes and do not accept her as a person. Johan states “you don’t have to feel bad about looking like a coloured. It’s okay with me” as if to excuse the discomfort arising from her colour differences.
Likewise, although he loves her, her father also reflects the bigoted attitude towards Sandra and these principles are so ingrained that he opts to reject his daughter because of her choice to remain with Petrus. He takes it as a personal affront that she has betrayed him by choosing a life with Petrus, unable to understand that she is completely uncomfortable in white company.
How can she remain true to herself in such a devastatingly destructive environment?
What is Sandra’s answer? Courage. Bucket loads of courage. She risks everything for the sake of freedom and emotional stability. She risks her family, status, security and her future.
The coloured community offers her the chance for emotional and psychological stability. “They are more friendly”. However, such “friendliness” leaves her exposed. She lives in degrading poverty and is constantly hunted by the authorities. She is forever on the move, without money or security.
In keeping her own counsel and being her own “better guide” she has to escape from her family who disown her. Her biggest regret is that she never had the chance to explain and justify her choices to her father. He just slammed the door shut.
We must always show courage to be ourselves and to withstand the dark forces that threaten to overwhelm us and that threaten to destroy our peace of mind and emotional fulfilment.
Sandra’s story is a fine example of Jane Austen’s advice to follow our own guidelines. There are many stories where people have had to struggle to gain acceptance in communities or to assert their own individuality. As Zorba the Greek wisely said, “a man needs a little madness, or else he never dares cut the rope and be free.” Likewise, Age cartoonist and writer Michael Leunig, says “if we don’t make for ourselves some small hand-crafted peculiarity it will certainly be provided by fate in due course.” However, nurturing and maintaining this “hand-crafted peculiarity” and following our true path can be fraught with danger. Holden Caulfield in J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye rails against the phoniness and pretentiousness of his school environment. “One of the biggest reasons I left Elkton Hills was because I was surrounded by phonies.” And of the headmaster, Mr Haas, he claims he was the “phoniest bastard” he had ever met in his life. Holden criticises the materialistic view of life of his school peers. At school “all you do is study so that you can learn enough to be smart enough to be able to buy a goddam Cadillac some day…” and he tries to separate himself from the hypocrisy. Unfortunately, Holden is forever vulnerable and likely to fall through the cracks. He knows what he doesn’t want to be. But he can’t find a positive alternative. He is heading for a “horrible fall” and unable to stop himself as he retreats further into an idyllic childhood world where innocence and spontaneity are cherished but unrealistic commodities.
But the most important thing is that he does not stop trying. His failure perhaps reinforces the magnitude of Sandra’s fight for justice and for integrity in a world that is so completely hostile. Armed with love and plenty of good will, she finally makes it through, but not before she loses her husband, suffers the indignity of abuse and almost loses her children. After several marriages later, she finds the comfort and support she deserves and surrounds herself with a brood of love.
At times, we need to find our own space that is free of social pressure. Such a space helps us to discover ourselves free from the cravings of belonging. As Age cartoonist Michael Leunig states, it is often important to nurture our “handcrafted peculiarity” in order to find a sense of happiness and wellbeing. Likewise, in Bruce Dawe’s poem, Homo Suburbiensis, the man finds harmony and a sense of self by withdrawing into the serenity of his vegetable patch. There he can find himself, explore his inner thoughts, and enjoy some “constancy” in a forever changing world. It is his “patch” – his territory – a place where he can vent his frustrations; it is a place where he has total control. It is a place where he can reflect upon his place in the world and enjoy the passing of time. It is a place that complements his need to be alone and to get in tune with his inner being. Like Sylvia Plath, who states “I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.” so too does Dawe suggest that it is the natural in man, our thoughts, feelings and instincts, that make us truly human. Likewise, in his collection of articles, The Lot, Age cartoonist Michael Leunig states he enjoys spending time in the bush which he refers to as “home-based rehab,’. He describes the process of “communing with birds and beasts” as therapeutic and an activity that heals his soul. “This I find immensely healing.” (215)
Such stories prove as Confucius notes, “no matter where you go, there you are”.