Discovering who we are and where we belong can be challenging.
Why are these issues of identity, growth, belonging, and discovery, challenging?
(Individual dreams and illusions) Growing up can be challenging because we have to re-evaluate our changing circumstances, dreams and expectations. We often have to confront our illusions about life and our chances, opportunities and hopes.
- Cf between Olive and Nancy (settles for marriage); does not want to face the truth; Barney is left with just a photo
- According to Lawler, the failure to make adjustments, leads to bitterness, and misery. (as symbolised by the smashing of the dolls)
- Similar challenge – re my own doll or gift… that symbolises my own hopes and expectations.
(Newcomers) New group members, friends, rivals and enemies often pose significant challenges in our life and make us see things from different perspectives. As groups evolve and change, these newcomers often threaten the status quo, as well as secure and stable friendship patterns. As we vie for respect, authority and often leadership positions, we are forced to think about who we are and where we belong. Where are we going?
- Pearl (believes the Eagles) and Roo’s rivalry with Johnnie
Overcoming our shortcomings, our flaws, fears and phobias is critical to our personal growth and often presents many challenges. (including a comment on a tragic event)
For example, as we mature and grow older, we have to confront our physical limitations and make necessary adjustments. This can be very difficult for some who pride themselves on their physical strength.
- Roo (physical limitations) / Barney (loses charm and good lucks) (grandparents… (people inevitably go through these adjustments at different stages of life; sometimes it can be more painful and difficult); if someone is very fit and healthy but has an accident then often they need to readjust. (Two of Us). (the skier becomes a paraplegic and must make very difficult adjustments in life; burn accident)
Overcoming our fears and phobias / traumas is critical to our personal growth and often presents many challenges.
- Laxmi – (dealing with being in a crowd; dealing with feeling disgusting) Matthew (bush fire victims)
- Viliami – learning to forgive the person who stabbed him.
Dealing with tragic circumstances or accident can become challenging and make people reevaluate who they are, their treasured relationships and how they are going to find meaning in life
- Two of Us stories: Brad Connelly and knife victim: Challenges… coping with the grief around him; being a burden to others; cope with no movement; loss of everything that he loved to do (physical) 0- only able to feel skin through his face..
- Brad Connelly .. Wayne Kerr.. John… (Adversity can be a source of strength. )
Finding one’s place can be difficult when one suffers a great deal of discrimination and humiliation because of one’s skin colour or because of one’s religious or cultural background.
- Doris and Sandra. (Josie ashamed at her Italian cultural background)
- Message: it is difficult to be whole if one dismisses or ignores one’s cultural or religious place.. Doris always recalls the wonderful advice of her aunt to remember her origins and think about her mother. (quote the psychologist)
DISCOVERING WHO WE ARE AND WHERE WE BELONG CAN BE CHALLENGING
It can be difficult finding our place in mainstream social groups if we have different views and values from other group participants . Such differences may occur in family situations, or among our peers, teachers and school friends. The way we negotiate these different opinions will reveal challenges and will test our individuality and strength as a person.
- Include Robert frost Mending the Wall
- Intuitive sense of different beliefs and principles
- Clash of views values ideas expectations personal – force us to think about/ reflect upon who we are and who we want to be; how passionately we believe in certain principles and causes
It can be challenging but also rewarding if we can conquer our fears and pursue a path that is true to ourselves and personal rewarding. Such a path can strengthen us as individuals…
- Fiona Scott Norman – conquer our fears…;
- Robert Frost – The Road Not Taken – “and that makes all the difference”
- Viliami – say sorry to enemies… learning values of forgiveness.. (Gaspard Rwanda)
The search for identity can also be challenging for those who are mentally or physical different and who suffer from discrimination or who are isolated from mainstream groups.
- Challenging – do we try to fit in and expose ourselves to ridicule or do we isolate and separate ourselves from groups and suffer the consequences Stella young
- Cultural difference – witness.. .Any of the people stories = migrant stories
- Burqas / homosexual/ disabled person
Rarely are we free to be who we truly want to be.
Living in social groups and communities, we are often restricted by rules and regulations, social and parental expectations or even opportunities. These often dampen our hopes and goals in life. (Teenagers looking for work).
- Also, we often try to fit in with friends and peer expectations.
Sometimes we try to cling to an idealistic image of ourselves and of relationships that may let us down. (Olive/illusions/smashing of the dolls)
We are often restricted by age, gender or ethnic backgrounds. We often have to change our goals as we get older and find another path. Often terrible accidents force us to live a completely different lifestyle. (Roo)
We gain our strongest sense of identity and belonging from our parents.
1. Supportive parents are those who nurture the child’s talents, provide opportunities and a secure environment. This generally leads to security, confidence and a strong sense of belonging to fundamental groups… Ross Gittins’ comments about importance of parents/families and surrogate families)
- Positive experience: Bob Hawke’s example; (Judy Sharp’s support of her autistic son enables him to become a world-class artist): gain a strong sense of security and confidence from the strength of A’s guidance and principles; and heroic stance; moral courage…
- Negative experience: contrastingly, if parents are absent or dysfunctional or anti-social this may undermine our sense of self and our confidence. (obsessive parents or those with excessively high or unrealistic expectations)
2. Whilst families often provide secure foundations, our peers and role models also help us to develop and find who we are.. providing us with guidance, inspiration and security.
- Positive – role models… how they provide inspiration; ( Joy Hopwood)
- Friends – confidence, security, comfort: (Aditi and Wei Lei – Simon Tong and Roger).
3. Whilst friends and parents are critical, our enemies also challenge us to think about who we are as people and force us to think about our views, values, and path in life…
- Scott Norman: quotes – about how adversity/ obstacles can strengthen us and provide resilience… (often leads to surrogate friendships; strengthens alternative friendship patterns)
1. When you know who you are, you know where you belong
- Often it is important for people to know what makes them happy and find a place that reflects their desires, interests, values and expectations.; Diana rejects family but choose independence/ choices/ performance…
- Sexuality: as we grow, sexuality becomes an integral part of our personality and identity and we must know who we are in order to build fulfilling relationships.
- Often if people have a strong affiliation with cultural traditions and customs, then this can give them a sense of pride that helps them belong in a confident way: Sunil – understanding of name makes him more secure within his family and other Australian groups
2. Having a sense of being different makes it difficult to belong
- We might be different because of our ethnicity and this makes it difficult to belong because often people persecute us or discriminate against us. We often become a target for ridicule. Have confidence to ignore this attitude and reject their taunts
- Cross cultural background makes it difficult to belong because we often feel neglected, isolated from mainstream customs and traditions. Have pride in your roots.
- We may have different life plans, goals, views, values and expectations that make it diffiulct to belong: we are often forced to change our goals which affect our happiness; we may be set up for failure: do not despair, have the confidence to follow your dream.
3. People need groups and a sense of belonging in order to feel whole
No man is an island.
- Firstly, our family shapes our emotional wellbeing and the direction in our life.
- Vanessa Wood – power of love
- A sense of belonging to cultural groups help us to define who we are and thus we are able to feel whole
- Sunil – understand the meaning of his name and are able to fit in both his family and school peers.
- To belong to a religion group is vital for people to form their sense of personal value.
- Christianity – personal experience
4. The need to belong can completely change who we are
- The need to belong may completely change us especially if we follow our parents’ expectations and goals despite our best interests and personal wishes.
- Vanessa Wood … other children who change their goals.
- It may completely change us because of our need to adapt to the dominant cultural / social group.
- When he first arrived, Simon Tong felt as if he had completely changed – blubbering idiot
- Sunil rubs the black off : English name
- However, it may not completely change us because we seek to cling to our own true beliefs, values and desires. Vanessa and Diana
- – Simon – learns the language in order to participate and communicate and defend himself
- For those who discover their sexuality is different, such as homosexuals and lesbians, they find that it is important to follow their own true needs and instincts… Christianity – confirm to the society – sexuality
5. The groups we reject show us who we are just as much as the groups we choose to join.
- Firstly, we choose to join in a group because we accept the group’s views and values. (Christianity – don’t prove same gander marriage… (similarities/ shared views and values)
- We reject groups because of a variety of reasons, particularly because of our difference from the group: difference in expectations and goals which leads to conflict.
- Differences in sexuality: gay people may associate among themselves and reject heterosexual relationships (hotels dedicated to gays); contrastingly, many straight people reject the homosexual groups.; diana’s boyfriend – split with her family; she is seen as a “slut”
1. It can be difficult to accept that the groups we belong to, and our identities, change with time.
- Often we change groups and so too do our role models and authority figures: for example, when people migrate to new communities they may have different relationships and families;
- Often we change groups, because of our views, values and our personal expectations: career goals and personal desires.
- Because of an individual’s circumstances, social and cultural groups change: this may lead to a change in identity. For example, we may feel inferior, we may stand out (be conspicuous); we may find it difficult to participate in the normal customs and traditions. (because of skin colour or language)
- AS individuals develop sexually as young adults, friendship groups may also change, as well as our relationships with our loved ones and our parents.
- Advice: Do not let your kids to get rid of/forget their cultural background in order to belong to the new society.
2. Each person has different identities for different relationships and situations
- Family: friends/peers… different relationships – close /distant/ casual… We often show aspects of our personality depending upon our circle of friends. To close friends we often show a true and lively self.
- Cross cultural / social relationships can also lead to different identities.
- However, there are some situations that our identity will not change- some consistency. Our religious beliefs /cultural traditions may shape our identity – and define our relationship with parents and peers… and it will not change in our life
3. Our identities are shaped by the groups to which we belong
- Firstly, our family shapes our emotional wellbeing and the direction in our life.
- Parents provide love and support us in different situations, but their love never changes.
- Outside our family, there are other groups like friends, peers, sporting groups and religious group shaped our identity and belonging in different ways.
4. Some people sacrifice themselves in order to belong
- I notice that some people around me are more likely to choose to sacrifice their own identities in order to belong to the society around them.
- We often sacrifice our goals, expectations, interests and desires in order to belong. Sometimes this is good and sometimes this is not a good idea.
- Sometimes people give up their own sexuality/ inclination and preferences to try to fit in…
- In our society, sometimes people choose to get rid of their cultural background in order to belong to a new society.; In my heart, I can’t give up my own cultural background, and my identity strongly linking me back to China.
5. To belong to a community does not mean to conform to it.
- Sometimes we want to belong, but this does not mean that we should compromise our true beliefs, values and desires for the sake of belonging to a group.
- Where we are from is also an important part of our identity, so we should not ignore our cultural roots.
- But sometimes, in order to belong, individuals need to give up a part of their identity that does not conform to the groups’ collective identity.
To conform to the expectations of others can be suffocating for the individual.
- We often conform because we fear rejection, but this can mean that we deny our individuality or stifle our personal desires
- People need to follow their own goals, interests, careers,
- People need to be confident about their own sexuality and desires…
The community plays a part in how we see ourselves
- If the community accepts us, this helps us to build a positive sense of self.
- Also we often change who we are and our views to conform to society
- If the community rejects us, then we may lose confidence in ourselves: we may feel negative and inferior; we o
- If the community rejects us, it is important to find a way to belong and
Relationships with others define who we are.
- Positives / similarities : shared views, values, opinions: can lead to a strong sense of identity
- Role models: can help to improve and inspire us : set goals and expectations for us to follow
- Some groups have strict rules about membership and these rules determine relationships within and without the group.
- Mind of a thief: aboriginals belong to clans/language and skin groups; and these determine their relationship to the land, to their elders, to each other, and to the mythical ancestor
- Different groups: relationships may provide challenges; dilemmas and conflict that often help us to develop by altering identities and discovering different aspects of our personality
- Sometimes we need to reject relationships : nature
INDIVIDUALITY EVOLVES THROUGH CHANGE.
- Change: People may have to change to fit in with new social and cultural groups that lead to new experiences and problems; they also have to think about they how and why they should change and if this is a good thing. (Development = pride/ sunil)
- Change: New groups present linguistic (language) challenges for newcomers and many individuals experience relationship problems because of poor language skills. This creates personal change: sometimes for the worst and sometimes for the best. (development = mastery of language = Simon)
- Change: sexual: as young adults develop sexually, this might also lead to a great deal of change as they negotiate relationships; often homosexuals need to reevaluate relationships within and without the home which leads to personal change and development. (Benjamin = self esteem- fulfilment) contrast Paul N – whose mother is devastated at the disclosure of her son as gay.
- Views: personal happiness: As young adults, we often have to determine our own career path according to what makes us happy as individuals: sometimes we must reject our parents’ goals and wishes; Vanessa and Diana – personal change – happiness by following own goals.
THE NEED TO BELONG CAN COMPLETELY CHANGE WHO WE ARE
- New land / experiences – leaving family can lead to the development of a a different self – Nonna (photo)
- Diana – desire to please mother- leads to a very angry and frustrated, disappointed person
- Jim and Vanessa – Jim… – left home – but went through a period of extreme despair, recklessness – rebellious… didn’t cope at all… and took a long while to find himself.. so lost…
- Vanessa – belonging to peers – new school environment – fearful and anxious… hiding..
- Often belonging – especially to new groups does change us – sometimes more completely than at others.. .
THE PASSING OF TIME PRESENTS THE GREATEST CHALLENGE TO OUR IDENTITY
- AS individuals develop / mature and branch out from family influences, they may resist, challenge or conflict with key family members and their views, values, stereotypes, and expectations. (time changes – denial to acceptance…)
- Contrastingly, the passage of time and inevitable maturity also helps to deal with problems, and cope with change… identity… : acceptance and learning to cope and adapt Simon Tong learns the prosodics; Sunil/Neil; one’s self concept develops and changes Jo Ann Chew
- Some qualities are innate and don’t change/stay the same.
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